November and December with Sara Sidle
by SpencerJones
Summary: WIP Some Spoilers for Season 4 and 5. Two Months in the Life of CSI. Two people wanting Sara Sidle at the hardest time of her life. Sara Grissom Sophia FF MF. My 1st Fanfic. Please Review! And I stress Rate M!
1. Chapter 1: November, Thanksgiving

This was not the greatest move on his part. He had many different options, yet what he had chosen was definitely not the right one. For someone who always spends a fair amount of time analyzing all methods and turns, he made a lot of stupid mistakes.

It was a pity that he spent so much time trying to figure things out, for it had proven useless. This was not what he had concluded but it was what he did. Now if only he could face it.

Gil Grissom's biggest fear was opening his eyes, he did not want to see the product of his actions but eventually pretending to be asleep wore thin. He cracked open his right eye first. With it, he scanned the room, and when there was no sign of her, he allowed the rest of his body to awaken. Sadly, waking up meant having the pervious night's wine and nightcaps pain arise. It hit him instantly and hard, but the nausea was nothing compared to the striking strain of her voice.

"Gil? Good Morning." He looked up at Sophia's half-naked body – his stare was blank.

"… Or not. Are you ill?" He nodded in agreement. The shake of his head stirred his stomach. He promised himself that he would hold it down until he was at the comfort/privacy of his own toilet.

"Here," she handed to him, almost robotically, a glass of cool water and what appeared to be _Midol_. He accepted, his thank you was spoken via a smile. They took the pills almost in sync. He glanced over his water glass at the woman that sat at the edge of the bed. She wore his dress shirt and that only. Her blonde tresses pulled back into a rough low ponytail; the hair boxed her face and without a doubt proved how pallid her skin was. She too felt last night in her blood system.

"… Is it that you are sick that you are not saying anything? You know, if I speak I'll puke?" She smiled nervously. Honestly, she had half expected this morning to pan out the way it had so far. Her other half imagined it to be much worse, with his silence she concluded that there was a chance that Gil did not regret their night.

"I'll get you the waste basket."

---

Sophia only told one person. Of course, she did not lie to herself, she told Hodges so that everyone would eventually eat up the gossip. Her plan would work perfectly for if approached she would only have to say that see saw Hodges as her _confidant_. That is why she told that one specific individual how she spent her Thanksgiving.

She had felt mild remorse when she over heard Archie telling Sara Sidle about how her mentor spent his holiday "He ate turkey and he ate Sophia. He enjoyed stuffing and he enjoyed stuffing Sophia… Bobby's words not mine."

Sidle responded with a gentle, no, more like a weak "oh."

Sophia did feel mildly bad, but mildly was not enough to make a New Year's Resolution about it. For all she knew the pain came from the way Archie and Bobby spoke of her. That was probably it for she could care less about Sara Sidle. Her Thanksgiving was fucking perfect.

---

It had surprised Grissom when Catherine asked him if he would be spending Christmas with Sophia too. He had expected that Sophia would keep the affair private when she told him "not to worry Gil." He miss read it as a sign that the entire mess would blow over.

After considering the possible ways of answering Catherine's invasive questioning he said as casually as possible "I plan to work the Christmas shifts since some of my criminalists have deserving daughters."

His answer did not work on Cath as he had planned it would, she continued to pry. Luckily, like any fanatic of punctuality his pager gave three loud quick beeps. The moment of awkward dodging was put on hold due to a new case. The DB, to which Grissom was grateful for, he promised to put its case to justice.

Another thing that was always around at the most opportune time was Sara Sidle. The thought came to him when he exited his office to find her standing before him, field kit and car keys ready. He immediately felt guilty for considering her a 'thing' but it was a victimless crime; just as long as he saw her as a blessing and not an object.

His blessing was relatively quite in the car. As they drove to their new crime scene she passed down the vague details she gotten from Capitan Brass. There were no personal conversations, and for this, again, Gil was thankful.

They worked together so uniformly, very aware of one another and still use to their perfectly matched routine. It was a relief, it even felt almost Zen. That peacefulness did not numb the strain of crouching though, luckily, Sara ripped apart the crime scene with an acute ability to see every inch of the scene, and it allowed Grissom to relax. Energy evaded him, like a sixth sense Sara saw this and insisted that she would continue. He joined Brass with interviews thinking that she had correctly read his fatigue. He was, again, appreciative…

It seemed that hours of processing a scene was Sara's way of resting. She was much livelier on the ride back to the lab.

"I'm really confident about this case. It's a douse. We got it, don't we?" He nodded ready to tell her that she was being far too optimistic, they had only collected, nothing was processed, and she was ahead of not only the evidence but also the case itself. Yet the smile, that had not made an appearance on their way to the scene, was too brilliant to be beaten down.

"We collected a lot of incriminating evidence and are building a strong case. We might be on the right track." Speech died but the smile lived vibrantly on Sara's face, he did not even have to look at her to see it, he felt it was present.

"This is pleasant." She stated breaking the silence that had not lasted more than a minute. The car was passing the strip and slowing down for a red light Grissom parted his eyes from the road. He had imagined Sara to be taking in the bold lights of Vegas, but no, she was concentrated on him.

"… I'm referring to working together. Not the drunken tourists, or the energy consuming lights, or the most world's beautiful monuments mocked up as casinos." She won over one of those lovely honest smiles, of that she was proud for it had been awhile.

"You can be a joy when you are not on a rampage."

Her husky throaty voice retorted with a small giggle. "I am always on the rampage. It's just not against you. Today it is against the asshole how killed Joey Liwosk… umm our DB."

"Wow," he chuckled, it was nice to hear his own laugh, "that was worse than Brass's interpretation. I'll write you out a pronunciation key later."

"Thank you Doctor." Their laughs together were what made the night Zen.

That was pleasant Grissom thought as he dropped his subordinate off at her car. "I'll log the evidence in now. It'll be up and rolling by the time your next shift starts."

"I won't be able to fall asleep," she was still slightly arguing his decision to send her home.

"Day shift won't have the time to process our stuff right now. You wouldn't get much done anyways." He reasoned as he held the door open to her Denali.

"Alright, alright." She had already given in by buckling into her seat belt but, from the drive to now, she could not seem to stop talking.

"You really love your job, don't you?" She nodded still with that smile. "Dead people seem light you up, don't they?"

"No, you do… Good morning Grissom. Have a good sleep… And don't start anything without me." The ignition of her car gave a frightening scream. As if, she read his mind "not to worry it still gets me around fine."

He closed her door after he whispered to be careful, that was all he could say when really there was so much more. He had one more second to decide if he would say any numbers of things to her. At that second as she put her Denali into first he tapped on the glass.

"Yes Doctor?" Her eyes played, bouncing around in the wonder he held her in.

"Umm… I just… you light me up too." His voice came out strong but not bold, just as he wanted it to. Never did he want her to think it was challenge for him to be grateful. After all that is what he really was. Grateful.

---

He did as promised and only logged the evidence, never once did he let the habit of the job allow him to take away the excitement that Sara sat awake at home for. Being that it was his only task he was going home quite early, which was already two hours later than everyone else.

He thought maybe because he was thinking about Sara that she was not actually at his front steps, sitting on his steps using her field kit as a pillow, with her eyes twitching in a dream. It was something his mind would create, a vision of Sara vulnerable and powerless needing Gilbert Grissom and seeking out his help.

Yet this was not a figment of his imagination, she was actually sleeping… SHIVERING! ON HIS DOOR STEP! He ran to her sorry that he wasted so much time staring and not acting.

"Oh My God! Sara! Are you alright? Sara! Wake up! What happened? Are you alright? Sara dear! Wake up." He shook her violently suddenly feeling the worst of all pains. He had seen that she was breathing when he thought his mind was playing tricks on him, but now he could not be certain until she woke up. He noticed that her eyes were wide open and scared. Her magnificent brown eyes looked up into his aware but frightened. His hands were crushing into her shoulders to insure that she would never leave his possession.

"Sara… Are you alright?" His voice was calm now, but not gentle. It was urgent in the need to know that she had not been damaged. Before she could answer, he pulled her into himself.

She would have pulled away a lot sooner if he had let her. The situation was not as bad as she had let on. Not that she meant to, somehow she had just fallen asleep waiting for him. And now she had made it seem that the most grotesque things had happened when really she had looked her apartment keys in her car and with no other resolve had taken a cab to his home. She gave into his hold and let herself be victimized. His touch was too much to pull away from, to top that off he was not letting her go.

Finally, she had to say something. "Grissom I'm fine. Nothing is the matter. I was just a little forgetful. I'm sorry I scared you."

With that said he let go but did invite her in. This was a personal first.

---

"My couch is not good for sleeping. Trust me Sara I don't mind if you sleep in my bed." Of course, she stubbornly put his comfort before hers. She silently took the comforter from his hands and laid it across what Grissom always thought of as the worst couch ever created. Yet she insisted and if Sara insisted, there was no way around it. He tucked her in, and with all the nerves he had in his body, he reached over her to land a small kiss on her forehead.

"Don't scare me like that… I'm an old man, you have to watch my heart." Her body was shutting down on her. She damned it, this was an amazing night and she could not keep her self-awake for it.

"I would never want to jeopardize your heart. I promise to take care of it whenever it needs babysitting." She spoke lightly and almost incoherently, her eyes were closed and her mind was no longer fully conscience. Gil was reminded of the gentleness that lived inside her the first time they met. The gentleness lost it self with each new dead body but gained itself on moments like these. He had a couple of them logged in his memory; this would join in as one of his favorites.

"Sweet dreams dear." Again, he musked out the ability to kiss her face. His lips landed softly and briefly on her lips. She was long gone in rest, the kiss was something just for him.

It was the second time during this morning that Sara Sidle had appeared to him as a figment and then magically came to life. When she finished explaining about her keys he realized that he had made a fool of himself. He had thought to soon. This time he did not make that assumption.

"Are you leaving?" he asked when he felt her enter his bedroom. She did not respond. She lifted his covers and shifted her body onto the empty portion of the bed.

"No." she said flatly. "Do you mind? The couch is dreadful… But don't leave." She told still in the state of sleep. "That couch will do no good to an old guy like you."

Gil listened to her plea and spent the night trying not to touch her. But she did not make that easy for him. She let her body find his arms, so he held her much like he had outside.


	2. Chapter 2: November

This was not the greatest move on his part. He had many different options, yet what he had chosen was definitely not the right one. For someone who always spends a fair amount of time analyzing all methods and turns he made a lot of stupid mistakes.

Gil did not know why this kept happening to him, he rarely let things like this happen but this time it happened two nights in a row. His mind constantly thought this, but his body ignored the complaints of his head, it wanted only to smell Sara's hair, and touch and roam her body. His body wanted to feel her body and never let go.

He hadn't slept during the night, of this he was glad for he enjoyed feeling her warm breathe brush against his chest, and hear the small moans she made as she dreamt. His fear was time, in a short time Sara's eyes would need light, and the same awkward moment he'd spent with Sophia would pan out.

"Hi." Her voice was soft, her body faced his, but her eyes met only his chest. Gil waited for the moment were she would push her self away from him. Yet her actions did not test his fear, she pushed her body closer to him and dug her face closer into his chest, her hold of his arm wrapped tighter and roamed up from his elbow to his shoulder.

"Hi." It was then that he rested and it became her turn to feel him.

---

The pager interrupted their moment; if Grissom considered it lucky he was not sure. Having to move made it easier to go along with the day and not reference the night, but he wanted so much to tell her that this night was better that any he'd recently had.

It was her pager that vibrated wildly, followed by her cell phone-ringing if the deepness of his couch. Finally, the call was made to Grissom who was on call for the night, but it was swing swift hours.

"Something bad?" Sara stated returning to the room with her phone and pager in hand. Grissom was on his phone with Brass listening attentively.

"Yes, I will get in touch with her… Don't worry, I always know where to find her." He looked at her as he spoke, direct eye contact, obviously he was talking about her. "Not tonight… No problem."

He smiled up at her, still looking into her dark almost black eyes. "You are wanted at Ecklie's office."

"Something bad." Her voice smiled but it did so nervously. "I guess I should go…"

"I'll take you. No reason why you should take a cab."

---

The morning was not at all awkward. It just happened as if it happened every morning. He recalled a night several months back where had spent the night in her bed, he felt guilty when he kissed her, – her lips tasted of Rum. He took advantage of her impaired state and spent the night holding her feeble naked body.

Picking her up at police station gave him a sort of relief. Yes, he felt horrible to think that way but it was the best way to describe it. The relief in the situation came one from her safety and two that he could be there for her.

She was not in the worst state of being. Emotionally that was an understatement, but physically she was only a bit more than tipsy.

"Are you pissed?" Her tongue couldn't form words perfectly. "… No! You are not pissed… you're disappointed."

She said this as Gil helped her into his car. He shook his head but she did not see. He buckled her in, trying to imagine how she was able to get into her own seat belt. Relief… again, he felt relief.

"Yes you are right Sara. I am disappointed, but not pissed." She seemed calm and almost happy sitting in the front seat with her hands flatly on her lap, and drunk.

"I'm sorry you feel that way…"

Grissom had to make a decision and he only had two blocks of driving to make it. He decided not to take her home, yet. His stop was at bar. It was too late for there to be too many drunks left. He added one to the building.

"What are we doing here? Gris… Do we want to do this? Are we getting smashed?" She was laughing, slightly but still laughing. Grissom loved it.

"Yes I think we are."

The night quickly became forgettable. Yet it was not because the night was a disaster, because it was far from it. She remembered laughing a lot; she started laughing when they first entered the bar but soon after she could not clear up any details. He remembered taking too many shots. Sara was spit balling out the names of all these different types of shots. He had everyone she could think of.

He could still recall walking home, she could barely take a step; he could not walk a line. She called it genius that he picked a bar so close to her place. Actually, all she said was "genius" but he knew what she meant.

Once she finally found her keys and unlocked the door, he followed her every step inside the apartment. He was so close to her that he was easily able to catch her every time she stumbled. She walked right over to her bed, which was only ten steps from the door. Everything in her apartment was ten steps away from the door, max.

Poor thing he always thought. She had no space to move or think. She seemed trapped. This is where it got blurry for him, in the thought that she was trapped.

He remembered her lying on the bed, and with her face pressed against her pillow she removed every piece of her clothing. It was not at all sexy. It was more of a struggle. But Grissom was too drunk to realize her struggle. He did not know how he managed to get her in his arms but he knew the scent of her hair.

He lay like that all night. He felt her body completely. He felt happy. He kissed her, her lips tasted like rum. She could barely move her mouth, and he really regretted deciding to get pissed.

He fell asleep nervous as hell for the morning, but it was going to happen anyway, so he touched her all over.

---

Surprisingly she was smiling, that beautiful smile she for some reason refused to put away.

"You seem too excited for this meet with Ecklie."

"I don't think I'm guilty of anything… I have no real reason to be worried. I mean it has been awhile since I went ape shit on him. That was almost two months ago." Her smile changed then, into one of worry. He never meant to cause that shift, he actually was solely trying to make conversation. He just wanted to keep the conversation moving.

She couldn't be losing her job, since she got back things were moving along quite well. Catherine and she were civil to one another when their shifts overlapped. She had barely conversed with Ecklie but when she did, she remained professional. She even tried to work well with Sophia.

The thought that creped into Sara's face took her grin away immediately. Grissom noted the change. Why had he said anything?

"You don't think Sophia has any thing to do with this?" The question seemed so random. What in the hell what she was thinking? Why did she think she had anything to do with anything?

"Sophia? Why? What does she have with… Why?" He didn't mean to stumble on his words, he was just too nervous not to.

"Well, she and I can't seem to get along. You might be trying to find a way to fuck with me." Before he could feel the burn, she corrected herself. "He… I meant Ecklie… and I did not mean to swear."

She smiled knowing it was not a subconscious mistake. She knew that something in Gil Grissom was fucking with her. Even if Thanksgiving was only a rumor she could sense what Grissom was doing. Sara did not want to smile any more.

"Well, I'll walk you to the office." Grissom offered as he pulled into the lab.

"No, I don't want you to." She said flatly.

"Okay, but I'll be in my office, come by and I'll drop you off at home. I'll call the locksmiths too." He spoke so genuinely that she let some of her bitterness subside.

"Thanks for last night." If he had not put his hand of her lap, she probably would have made a terribly destructive comment about Thanksgiving. However, his hand landed on her lap and it did not just sit there but he caressed her up and down, from her knee to her thigh. She didn't say anything about Sophia.

---

"Why are you so difficult to get into a room Sidle?" Ecklie had never wasted his breath saying 'hello' therefore Sara did not waste her breath at all.

"I called you here because I got a phone call from your ex boss in San Francisco. He called saying he expressed a package to you to arrive here… into our evidence vault. It came this morning along with a letter that has been explained to me in advanced… Don't be stubborn Sara… you really might want to be sitting down for this."

---

Before Sara had walked into Ecklie's office she was only thinking about one thing. The day she told Grissom about her dead father and her mother who was paying for it. Even though the memory evoked another one, she pushed it back to think of only Grissom and the way he held her that day. After taking her hand for a minute Gil pulled her into his entire body. She cried in his shoulder for hours. He took care of her; she owned her career and her sanity to the way he held her.

Her thigh tingled as she walked into Ecklie's office.

---

Every sound that came from outside turned his heart. He expected Sara to come around the corner any moment but it was always just a random sound. Well not always, once it was Sophia, not knocking on the door but just walking in.

Sara always knocked, and if she didn't she respected Gil enough to stay by the doorframe. Sophia was in his face before he could even register that Sara had not arrived yet.

"Hey, I was about to call you but I decided to check if you were here first… Is this a bad time?" He wanted so badly the scream YES. YES it is a BAD time! But he felt horrible right after. It was never her fault. He had no right to resent her.

"No, what is it that you need?" He tried to let his emotion come forth in his voice.

"I wanted to have diner with you tonight at my place. No drinks… I also thought I would be a good time to give you back your briefs." The familiar faint knock came with the last to syllables of Sophia's words.

"Grissom I'm taking a cab to my apartment. So don't worry about it. I'll see you both in a couple hours." Her tone was soft, meek even. It gave away the distain she was feeling.

Gil accepted Sophia's invitation.


	3. Chapter 3: November

**DISCLAIMER: I sadly did not come up with these Characters. They will never belong to me but to CBS. **

For the first time in months, Sara wanted to get drunk, not because it would feel good, but because Grissom would hate it. She would show up tanked and lose her job, and lose her pain.

Jesus she was always in pain. But nothing could stop the pain that was coming to her. Not even getting drunk, or losing her job, or punching Sophia, or sleeping with Grissom. It even dawned on her that death was something she should consider.

Was suicide a form of the murder gene?

It was hard to believe that her father died almost twenty years ago. To Sara the times that someone she reveal as a murderer, got twenty years until parole seemed like justice. Today she thought differently.

The locksmith that jammed Sara's car door open wanted to give her a hug and tell her that she would be fine. He would do anything to stop her from crying.

---

Soon after Ecklie had Sara in his office, he called for Grissom to enter. He wanted to him to know that one of his CSI's might not be around for quite sometime. Ecklie was so relieved that Sara was so professional about the matter, he sort of expected her to completely break down. It then occurred to him that she probably waiting to freak in a much more comfortable place. He knew very well that the only emotion Sara Sidle felt in public was anger.

Ecklie gave Gil a smile when he first walked in. He gestured for him to sit by elongating his hand towards the chair. The ease in Ecklie's manner made Grissom accept the invitation. If something had gone wrong with Sara, Ecklie would be undoubtedly pissed, but his expression was calm.

"What's going on Conrad?"

"Sara may be talking a leave of absence." Grissom then realized that Ecklie was not being calm but coy.

It took him awhile to compose his thoughts, once he was able to correctly formulate his words, he said, "Was this your decision or hers?"

"Neither. She is needed to testify at court in San Francisco." Grissom was put to ease by Conrad's reply. Yet it still was not clear why she would need to take a leave of absence for a trail. Her presence could not be needed for such a long time. Then it occurred to Grissom that the word _may _had been used.

"Is this still indefinite?"

"I am just waiting on her to accept." CSI's always had to testify to the evidence they collected. If Sara was the only CSI on the case in San Francisco that was available then she had to attend. How could she decline?

"Could you be a little clearer Conrad?" Grissom stood.

"She is a witness to this case. Some of the charges where committed against her… I am not sure how much you may know about this case, so I won't go into too many details. I just learned about it myself. I will only say that she was a minor therefore if she refuses to testify against the defense they will use footage of her first testimonial." Grissom was starting to understand.

"However that would not be the only reason for her presence in this case… The defense is to be release on Good Behavior. As opposed to her parole, that would have been a year from now. The state asked for a retrial to observe if the crime is forgivable enough to have her released. When the SFPD crime lab was approached, none of the CSI's on the case was still in the business. Dr. Hugo of the crime lab thought that if Sara was to go over the evidence, and be a witness to not only the act but also the evidence the Good Behavior laws in San Francisco may become stricter."

It again took Gil quite sometime to figure out how to respond. "Her mother? That can't work, she would be bias…"

"Not exactly. She is only going to present the evidence. Nothing more. Since she was not involved in the collection or the processing of evidence she is still a liable candidate." It was perfect in concept, a witness to all, someone so connected to the horror, that of course it was unforgivable. Yet it was only a concept. Ecklie and Dr. Hugo had no idea how damaging it would be to Sara if she had to see the evidence of her father's death.

"She told me she would consider it." Ecklie finally spoke. "I wanted you to know want the situation was. And perhaps you would excuse her shift tonight. I want her head clear so she can accept."

Grissom had never yelled at any body as he yelled at Ecklie then.

---

Sara arrived to work early, she sat in the locker room for about a half an hour undisturbed. Greg showed up then, early was well. She did not notice his sound, when he put his hand on her shoulder she jumped.

"Hey! Sorry I didn't mean to scare you. You just hadn't moved for a while. I almost thought I was at the wax museum." She had not gotten drunk, only buzzed. She regretted it now. She knew no one would notice, maybe Grissom but if he dared say anything she would spit in his face.

Greg asked her if she was all right, she replied of course, I was just thinking too hard. They left the lab together; Greg spoke about his left over turkey sandwich and how he could not wait to eat it. Sara laughed as if everything was okay.

Grissom was relieved to find her grinning at Greg's tale. He had not called her to tell her not to come. He knew very well that she could not be left alone in the claustrophobic apartment. No good could come for trapping her with those horrible thoughts. He came into work to insure that she would okay.

"Hello Gris," God she was drunk. Not totally, drunk but not totally sober either.

"Greg you have a 4-19, Sophia is already there. She won't be there too long though, she was working swing today already. Sara you still have an outgoing case, so stick to that. But before you do I need to talk to you… That's all get to it."

Greg felt awkward to be the only one to leave the room. He did as quickly as possible.

"Yes?" Sara stood and started collecting her bag.

"In my office."

---

She closed the door behind her wanting to insure that no one else found out she had been drinking. Sara was ready for this conversation. She was ready to freak out.

"I spoke to Ecklie, Sara." Jesus her throat started to swell up. Why hadn't she thought that Grissom would soon find out? This is not what she had prepared herself for. "I just wanted to say that…"

Again, he had to make a choice, and he was tried of it. He couldn't stand these moments where he so desperately wanted to do some good, but ended up doing the what Ecklie thought was right. "… I want you to have sometime to think about this… at home. All I need from you now is to sign a couple files about Joey's case, and I will be taking over."

He had expected a bit of a fight. He had expected for her to go on a rampage. Yet instead she calmly nodded her head and said, "Okay."

---

His shift was a long one. Grissom and Greg spent the night swift working on their own. With barely any help or any time to rest. Last night Grissom had been too alive to sleep -- too content to let time pass so quickly in rest. Never would he had expected a day like today, a day full of irrational thoughts like accepting Sophia's invitation or not calling to cancel when he was living on a few hours of sleep.

After hanging up with Sophia, and telling her at he was on his way, Grissom started feeling nausea. He went home first to throw up. Gil alleviated himself as quickly as he could then brushed his teeth for ten minutes. In a sweat, he ran to his car.

He was stopped at the first light when he saw Sara, taking steps to his apartment. He watched her as she knocked on his door and fidgeted with her fingers. He drove away as she peeked around the corner to see if his car was parked there.

If he was not at the lab, and was not at home, where was he? She could make a pretty good guess and be completely correct. But instead she chose to slip her leave of absence form under his door. It was better that way, to refrain from seeing him and wanting to take her decision back.

She could go see him where she knew he was, but she was a coward for her own good.


	4. Chapter 4: November

It was never awkward with Sophia. She was beautiful and enjoyable, and kind, and sexy. He should not feel bad for wanting her, drunk or sober, he should not want to feel shitty for fucking her.

Yes, he felt a bit bad for only fucking her, not wanting to be too close to her after, and being a man with no words. Of course being her superior made things worse, and the fact that the lab was gaining knowledge of their affair. Those were great reason for standing up and leaving her bed and leaving her love life. But he did not want to. He wanted to go again, for he felt so much better when he was in her.

Sophia of course knew she was being foolish. Sleeping with her boss, but she enjoyed the triumph she felt. Even though she was starting to get emotional, she reminded herself that Grissom's motives where the same as hers. Sara. They both wanted to hurt Sara.

This time, waking up was a grand improvement. The two made the bed, and washed their meals of their plates, and even found time to have sex before Gil needed to leave. It was a good morning and it made both Gil's and Sophia's conscious a bit lighter.

---

She had made her decision, and it was sitting in his house mixed with the mail. She was going to San Francisco. She was going to destroy herself. Grissom knew he had to talk to her.

He drove to her apartment, all the while trying to figure out what he would say to her.

"Hello." It was all he had come up with.

"I take you got my form… Come in." She looked so pale, so much that he could see her veins crawl through her bare arms and up her neck ending at her forehead. She had been crying there was no doubt in that. The whole two-foot apartment smelt of salt. Yet that was not what gave her away, the blood red that cracked her eyes gave her away.

"I wanted to give it to you personally but I couldn't find you… And then I remembered you were busy, I didn't want to interrupt with a phone call just to give you two pieces of paper." She passed him a bottle of water from the fridge as she spoke.

His eyes scanned the room like they were trained to. The place was not as tidy as it had been when he was there last. She had books scattered cross her coffee table and her desk and her bed. All forensic books and magazines and printed pages, her home was full of information, all that she forced into her mind. Her sink was full on dishes, and as Grissom quickly noted her refrigerator had no food. It kind of hurt him to wonder about the things she was reading about, and the way she was treating her body. He knew all to well that sometimes when learning about crime one comes across these horrendous details that haunt the mind.

Her eyes looked haunted.

"You know Grissom you don't have to stand at the door… Unless you forgot your field kit and want to go get it before you come in." Gil took his eyes away from his worries. He took a step into the apartment and sat on a bar stool that lined up with a game of solitaire. Sara sat beside him.

"I wouldn't have minded if you called. I sort of hoped you would talk to me before you made your decision… I thought that we were being open with one another… that is what we've been doing lately, right?" He did not mean to sound so hurt as he spoke.

"No, I don't think that's what we've been doing… I mean I know I have but you certainly have not."

"Sara…"

"No." She interrupted, not that he had something to say. "You can speak after… When I told you about my family, I wasn't expecting you to tell me about yours. When we had our PEAP session, I defiantly was not expecting any retort. However, I did want me opening up to you, make you feel like telling me something… Anything, but you haven't… I am not undermining what you've done for me the past year. You've helped me tremendously… I want to go to San Francisco… does that make you want to say something?"

They both let the silence come. He felt suffocated by the crickets that must have been chirping.

Sara Sidle was looking right into him, and knowing his struggle, she automatically regretted ever trying to be bold but couldn't help but continue.

"I know you care about me Grissom, and I know you see my decision as the worst I could possibly make. I can tell… Why can you tell others and not me? You told Ecklie, you screamed it into his head. You told Dr. Lurie… If you can't say it to me than fine, you have some sort of issue and I am not going to force you into anything. However if you're not going to deal with that issue then stop torturing me and sign my leave of absence… I want your name there, not Eckile's. I need your support."

Grissom let every single word she said repeat in his mind, as he did he let it sink in. How she knew about Ecklie and Lurie, he was not sure, but that was not the point. The point was that she was right. After fidgeting with her solitaire game awhile, he pulled out her forms and a pen.

Sara felt lighter.


	5. Chapter 5: November

Gil Grissom had only seen her once since the day he signed her away. He could have easily walked in on her reviewing her father's case anytime, but he only ever got the courage to do it once. It had been three days since she worked a shift, this day was her last, and she would fly to San Fran the next night.

Oddly, it was Sophia who approached him. It seemed to almost hurt her to say. "I was just about to go…"

"Oh, fine I'll be done soon. Should I call you before I get to your place?" He did not catch on to the urgency in her eyes.

"Gil, I was in the locker room and I heard something strange in the showers. I got curious… It was Sara. She's not okay."

He did not know what to expect when he saw her. As he turned the corner, he prayed that Sophia was exaggerating, but that was a waste of thought.

It was freezing cold water that blasted onto Sara's naked skin. It felt good to her; it was calming to feel a different type of pain. The act was almost just to assure her that she did not only have to be emotional, if she wanted she could make her bones ache too.

That was how Gil found her. In a shower stall, numb and sick and weak, curled up into the smallest she could be so that every cell in her body could be hit by the rain's diameter.

His first reaction was to take her into his arms, a second later he turned the dials to a soft warm flow. "Oh God Sara… Oh God." He gently rocked her back and forth all the while repeating. "I'm here dear. Don't worry. I'm Here."

She wasn't crying. Just shaking, shaking of the cold and of the fear. She allowed her self to dig deep into Grissom's chest, but she was not truly comfortable until she put her cheek on his, and his beard brushing gently on her temple, and his breathe was in her ear repeating over and over that to him she was dear.

One of his arms was tightly holding onto her neck, pressing down on her skin as if to keep her down. If she wanted to leave his strong hold would stop her. The other hand roamed to endless spots of her body. He kept it on her back roaming up and down her spine delicately with his fingertips, and on her face, her beautiful face.

As her mind started to calm down, she finally began to breathe easily. The warm water and Gil's tight hold coursed her body back into the lull of only emotional suffering. Sara began to wonder if it was okay for her to feel good at this moment. She then decided it was fine, the only way she should act right now was grateful, and not to in any way think of this as Grissom loving her.

Gil stayed in the room as Sara dried up and got dressed. She had asked him to stay with her earlier, so he knew it was okay if he was there. She sat and waited for him as he dried off and found something else to wear. All the while, they stayed in silence.

Grissom sat back down with her, and ran his fingers through her wet hair. "I only wanted to support you… I should have done that by not signing the forms."

"That's not true Grissom. As twisted, as this seems, I need to do it. Don't act like this problem is your fault. It's not. I can't really blame anyone. Not Hugo or Ecklie, not you, not me, and not my mother, because it just happened." He looked her deep in the eyes knowing it was all true. Yet this was a horrible truth, Gil would do anything to change it. He then realized that he couldn't change it, so he decided he would do anything to help it.

"I learned something very interesting though…" She somehow grew a smile in that second.

"What would that be?"

"Never trust a witness, they have no fucking clue." Her smile drifted, it hurt Gil to see it fade. "You want to know what scares me the most? Seeing her. What is it going to be like? I feel really stupid saying this but I want to impress her. I am testifying against her and I really badly want her to be proud of what I am. And then it terrifies me to think that she might not even care. Which is probably what will end up happening… And then there's the whole idea that if she gets let out then what do I do? Do I see her? Do I get a mother? Do I want a mother? Or what if she doesn't get let out? Do I let her only see me at court? Do I go see her? What do I have to do?"

"Sara… Stop. For just a second stop. Whenever you're scared just stop for a moment. Think about something… anything other than this. It might seem impossible and ridiculous but it will make you feel saved, if only for a second."

"What will I think about?"

"Think that you're loved."


	6. Chapter 6: November

I'mloved…I'mlovedI'mloved…I'm loved. What the hell did that mean? That he loves me… or that someone in this world has to love me?

Gil Grissom, the man she would never understand. The most handsome, intelligent, soulful, genuine, understanding, beautiful man Sara had ever encountered. One of the two men she had ever loved.

She had to smile then for it had worked. She thought she was loved and felt saved from her fears. Too bad the other man she had loved was starring back at her with glazed over eyes, and blood in his hair.

A picture of her murdered stabbed father. She'd been reviewing evidence for four days now, always feeling a void.

She had found it. She just did not want to admit is to her self. But she had to; she had to present the evidence.

She put the picture back into the case file knowing that she probably should not be looking at it in such a public place. She felt a strong-arm fall on her shoulder. Grissom had talked Sara into having someone take her to the airport. For some reason Sophia had ended up having the pleasure.

"I didn't know had you took your coffee. I forgot to ask. I got it black and grabbed a handful of sugar packs."

"Coffee and sugar. That's perfect. Thanks." Sara received the coffee and accepted Sophia's help as she poured the sugar and stirred her drink. "Thank you."

"Grissom didn't tell me what this case was about, he just told me that it was very personal." Sara did not react to Sophia's voice. She just sat in the silence.

"Sara" Sophia's hand found itself back on Sara's shoulder. She squished it gently to get her attention. "Sara, I wanted to be the one to take you today. I wanted to apologize. I've been cruel. I've been with Grissom and I'm sorry. I like you. So why did I do that? I just wanted to be the one to take you today so that you could know that I'm sorry… And that if you need someone familiar to be with you during this personal case that I would do that. I want to do that."

Sara kept in silence; she did not even look at Sophia. She didn't need Sophia. She didn't need anyone right now. Except maybe her father. Except maybe any of the men she has loved. Sara was ready to reject the idea, but Sophia's arm started to move from her shoulder to her elbow, up and down, gently, and lovingly.

"Is this Grissom's idea?"

"No."

"Okay then. Come with me."

---

Gil was expecting a call from Sophia hours ago. But it never came. He walked into the lab ready to go off. She was supposed to call him and tell him that Sara was going to be all right.

He turned the corner letting his anger be heard by his steps. When he saw the team before him he let his anger really be known. "Where the hell is Sophia?"

Oddly Greg, Nick, and Warwick stood before him. Warwick was Sara's substitute but what was Nick doing here?

"I'm taking her shift tonight and on Tuesday. The rest is being taken by some of her Days buddies. She had to leave the state for some reason." Nick spoke with a string of fear in his voice; he was not expecting this from his favor.

"Fuck." Everyone in the room felt the air go thick. "She better not have done what I think she did."

---

Sophia held Sara's hand as Sara slept. During the entire flight she willed for Sara to shift her sleepy position onto her shoulder but she never did. She did not stir once as she slept. Maybe it was a bad idea that she had come.

---

Eventually Sara had to tell Sophia about the case. She just did not know where to start. Actually she knew exactly where to start, she just did not have the strength to do so. She had been reliving that day for the last week quite a lot, each time it grew clearer and clearer. She started to remember more and more details. One, in particular, which changed everything and surely would condemn her mother into a life without an out. The worst part about it was that she had to follow the evidence.

"I'll take the floor." Sophia had been standing in the center of the hotel room for five minutes waiting for Sara to move. She just stood dumbly at the door lost in a world of what Sophia knew were horrible thoughts. Finally she couldn't stand it anymore. "It's carpeted so I'm sure it won't be too bad."

Sara's eyes jumped to the floor wondering what the hell Sophia was talking about. So it was carpeted. Why did that matter? After staring for a while she realize what exactly she just missed.

"Don't be stupid it's a queen sized bed." She dropped her bags as she spoke not meaning to sound cruel but that's how it came out. "I can share" she tried to sound friendly but it sounded kind of bitter. She couldn't help it.

"Okay, sure." There was no hurt in Sophia's voice. She willed to stay neutral. Her reasons for being in San Francisco were to help Sara, to be with her, not to argue.

"Take a shower first Sara. I'll order us something to eat." Sara nodded, she tried to smile, but she couldn't. She took her bag and walked to the bathroom, leaving the case file open. "Read that" She called as she turned the on winter cold water.

Sophia expected to open the bathroom door and be overwhelmed with heat but there was no steam, just the chill of the marble tile. Sophia had seen Sara in the same state only yesterday, but now it did not seem crazy. Actually if Sophia in this situation she would be burning her body as… what punishment?

"Sar!" Sophia reacted quickly turning the water off of her body. "Sara, no. You shouldn't be doing this to yourself. Honey you'll get sick."

Sara had not reacted to the stop of the cool water. She just stayed in her small position, rocking herself back and forth.

"I want to talk to you Sara. I'll help you get ready and then we'll talk a bit. Okay? Sara… Say that you're okay." Sophia wanted more than anything to hold the weak body. Reach out and comfort her much like Grissom had done. But she didn't she just handed the brunette a towel. "Come out soon."

---

"Hello." Sophia answered her phone as if she did not know who was on the other side. "Curtis."

"Sophia… What do you think you're doing?" Her lovers voice showed nothing but pure anger and aggravation.

"I'm making coffee. Does Sara take two or three sugars? Wait, three she takes three."

"Sophia! Why did you go with her?" Grissom's anger had been attacking everyone for the last three hours that he'd been trying to get in contact with Sophia. He thought that perhaps he had yelled enough so he would be calm when talking to the blonde. "What were you thinking? You cannot just up and leave! You have a responsibility to the lab!"

"No Gil I have a responsibility to myself. I couldn't stay near you. And I have responsibility to the people I care about. Sara can't do this on her own… It should be you here and not me. You could have been as far away from me as I need you to be and she could have the right person here with her." Sophia kept her voice low and in check knowing that Sara was five steps away, drying off in the washroom. "Gil, I'm sorry I had to come."

"Why?" He asked defeated.

"Because I saw the way she was looking at that picture. A man stabbed, with bloody little handprints on his chest and his face. The dead look in her eyes was the same one that man had. I knew then it was her father and I knew then that she shouldn't be alone. I only drove her to apologize for some things that I had done. I started to but ended up on a plane instead… Gil I have to be here. Threaten my job it's okay. I know I'm doing the right thing. For myself and for Sara." Sara's name slipping out of her lips seemed to have summoned the brunette from the washroom. She looked pale; the only color on her face was a slight blush of irritation where tears had salted her skin. "Goodbye Gil."


	7. Chapter 7: November, Thanksgiving

Gil hung up the phone knowing he'd never be with Sophia again. If she had stayed he would run to her now. He would find her and show her his frustration by fucking her. The action had seemed to help him a lot since Thanksgiving. He had become addicted. Last night after finding and holding a broken Sara he had gone to Sophia's apartment.

She let him in and told him that she would take care of Sara. In return he took care of her. He touched her and the feel of her warmth took away the cold feeling he'd gotten from holding Sara's freezing bones.

Hearing his name as a scream thrilled him. He got use to hearing her say his name in so many different levels. Like when she was riding an orgasm or when convincing him to stay the night, even the strong tone she used just a moment ago on the phone. She always said his name "Gil."

He threw his head into his hands repeating "Goodbye Gil" over and over. He said it out loud and he said it in his head, and in a whisper.

He knew he used her. Thanksgiving night he had used her. Him, her and Sara were working the night shift, each with their own case. There was one hour in that night that the three of them were in the same lab. It was Sara's lab and he intruded. The brunette had told him it was okay if he stayed. She even kept humming to her self as she worked. She was at ease with him.

The moment turned when Sophia came in, taking a place at a desk and finishing paperwork on her case. Sara didn't make a noise once the blonde arrived. Sophia on the other hand is always making noise. Her voice was the only sound in the room. She made comments to her two co-workers and they only nodded in response. Right before the hour elapsed she asked "Did I interrupt any thing by coming in here?"

"Yes Sophia, my concentration." Sara finally spoke. Grissom said "No" at the same time.

"I'm Sorry. But the lab starts getting cold in November. This is the warmest lab in the building. I'm almost done though. I'll be out of your hair in a minute." The silence returned.

"Are you two almost finished?" The brunette asked as she backed up her papers.

"I'm behind at least an hour now." Sara wanted her frustration to be known. "Almost." Grissom again spoken along side Sara's words.

"Well, I'm offering Thanksgiving drinks if Gil… or you Sara want to join?" Gil waited to speak not wanting to overpower Sara's response. She said nothing. "Come on guys. We have nothing to on the holiday, don't be prudes."

"Sure. That sounds nice Sophia." Gil decided this answer would prompt Sara into words. "Sara, we can help you finish up." This would push her further.

"Fine. I'll come. But I don't need help. I'll join you when I'm done." This was the answer Gil had successfully dug for. A smile crept up his face. He would be spending Thanksgiving with Sara.

"I'm thankful for Stella. Fuck this is great beer." Sophia's deep voice actually squeaked as she spoke. It was Stella talking. She was on her fifth and Sara still hadn't showed. Gil was on his third trying to keep cool until the brunette arrived. "Let's get another." The high-pitched voice yelled. The bartender heard and sent over two more beers.

"Why this bar Gil?" Sophia asked. Her new beer had already found the bottom. "It's ugly."

"It's also only two blocks from Sara's place. I thought she'd get here quicker if she was changing before she came."

"Well that's thoughtful Gil. You are always thinking about her? Aren't you?"

"Yes." Grissom didn't know why he answered this way. But then he noticed that there were a lot more beer bottles on the counter than he had counted in his head. Beer always got him weird drunk. He preferred the cool he got when drinking wine. He would order a bottle when Sara got here.

"Me too." Sophia had water in her eyes, Grissom saw the moisture collect but it didn't drop. "I don't want to though. It just happens. Does it just happen to you too?"

"Yes." He took a second to pick a bottle of wine from the menu. There was only box wine listed. He ordered a liter and continued. He wasn't going to keep going but he got weird drunk on beer. "At first it did. I enjoyed thinking about her too. Then it went away but she didn't. She was always there. So I made myself think of her. Then I got drunk with her and she got into my mind again."

"Did you have sex with her?" The tears started to fall down Sophia's scared face.

"Maybe." He answered honestly and poured his first glass of wine. Soon he would be able to keep his cool.

"Maybe?"

"I was drunk, she was wasted. I woke up with her in my arms. She was naked. I was fully clothed. But I felt like I had." Grissom poured the wine directly into his mouth wanting the liquor to shut him up.

"That's a yes." Grissom then realized it was a yes. He had touched her. He had heard her yell his name and purr his name. He had heard her say, "Grissom I love you" as she came into his fingers.

"Gil, you lucky man." Sophia said holding her chin up with her fist. She'd poured herself a glass of wine. "I'm thankful for Sara Sidle. And that she never showed up. I don't think either of us would have handled ourselves well if she did. Cheers."

"Yah, I'm thankful for that too." Grissom agreed while finishing the last of the wine.

"Will we be able to handle ourselves well tonight Gil?"

"No."

Gil's memory of that night was much clearer than he knew Sophia's was. They talked about it one night and she told him she never remembered the wine. Not until she threw it up. Grissom smiled at the thought, he actually liked talking to Sophia. He liked everything about her. They were very much the same. Both using each other to ease the void Sara Sidle left in them.

Grissom could have gone on with their arrangement. He actually desperately wanted to. But Sophia had to leave. Gil's heart stopped when he realized where she had left. To claim what she and he both loved. Sara Sidle.

Gil Grissom knew he had to do the same.


	8. Chapter 8: November

**Disclaimer: this is No one owns anyone here. That's the point.**

Sophia told Sara she didn't have to say anything. Never did she imagine that Sara would take that to heart and not say anything at all.

They spent the last of the day in silence. Sophia ordered Sara food, and they eat in silence, readied them selves in silence, and then lay in bed in a very still silence.

Sophia couldn't handle it anymore.

"Sara. I can't remember what you're voice sounds like. Sara. You're still awake, right?" Sophia spoke is a whisper, her lips close to Sara's ear.

"Yes."

"What? Was that you? Give me a little Hello so I know it was actually you." Sophia's voice was louder now and in between her words crawled out shy laughs.

"Hi." Sara spoke still the smallest her voice could be. She turned her body to face the blonde.

"Hello." Sophia pushed her body closer into the center of the bed. With all her strength she managed to move her palm up to Sara's cheek. "I asked for a Hello."

Sophia felt the brunette's face shift into a smile. "Hello."

"Does this help? The not talking? Has it helped you at all?" Sophia felt her heart sting when Sara's smile dropped.

"No."

"Should we try something else?" Sophia let her hand roam Sara's soft pale face.

"I don't want to talk about it. Not yet anyway."

"But later. Later you can practice what you're going to say in court in front of me. Okay?"

"Okay."

"But right now. Right now we should still try to fix it for a bit so we can get some sleep."

"I don't want to talk." Sara moved her self away from Sophia's warm hand. Right way she missed the touch but she kept her distance. She didn't want Sophia to feel the tears that were now running across her face.

"I don't mean talk." Sophia did not let her self get defeated. She reached out for Sara's entire body and pulled her closer into her chest. "Come on Sara. Go to sleep."

The last thought that ran trough Sara's mind was that she was loved. It comforted her as much as in scared her.

---

"My entire team can't cover yours Grissom. It's ridiculous. I can't work two shifts a day. And neither can Nick and Warwick. I don't know what's going on with you and those girls but it's almost December. I need to be a good mother this holiday season." Grissom tried to stay focused but he couldn't stop thinking about Sara and the fact that Sophia was the one holding her now. That thought prompted Gil to finally responded to Catherine's rejection.

"Cath, I need this. I need your help." He took a deep breath and took that second to collect something else to say. He noticed Catherine's features change. They softened. "You have no idea how much I need this Catherine."

"Give me an idea Gil. If I am going to help you I want to know why." Catherine suspected Grissom to hold back. Oddly he did not step back. He straightened this stance and looked her straight it the eyes.

"Someone will be hired to cover Sara until the New Year. You won't have to worry about covering her other than tonight. Warwick already agrees to do so." Grissom took another deep breath. He did not want to fall apart. "She's in San Francisco, testifying to the case that made her the way she is. Whenever she breaks down it's because of that case. It happened when she was a little girl. If you knew you would understand her. And since I do understand her I know that she needs someone that loves her to be with her."

Grissom stopped then. Catherine knew then she would say yes, but she wanted Grissom to go on. She almost started to speak, the silence was getting to her, but she stopped when she saw Grissom's head fall. Gravity made a tear fall to the ground instead of rolling down his face.

"Gil…"

"She has someone that loves her there. Someone who loves her very much." Catherine knew the who Gil was referring to, that one sentence explained to he so much. Sophia. She wasn't surprised that people really loved Sara. Catherine had always known Grissom loved the brunette, and well she had seen the way Sophia looked at Sara. Although Catherine did not get along with her, she would be with Sara now, if she had known the situation. She loved Sara too, maybe not how the man in front of her did. So since she loved her she knew letting Grissom go was the best thing for Sara.

"I'll work Christmas Eve all the way to the second for you." Catherine hadn't noticed that she hadn't responded yet. But the mention of holidays struck a nerve.

"What will happen to Sophia once you get there? Did you consider what it's going to be like to see the person she loves and her lover run away together?"

"As much as she considered it when she did it to me."

"Okay Grissom. But you be careful. You and Sophia are not the only people who love Sara. And that is a threat Gil."


	9. Chapter 9: November

In the darkness only the whites of their eyes could be seen. Sophia awoke when she felt Sara wrap tighter against her. She moved to brush a piece of her hair out of her face and noticed it was Sara's. She smiled glad to her the brunette so close to her.

Sara was watching Sophia as she awoke. The smile that crept up on her gave Sara a sense of relief. The blonde was still okay with how close Sara had gotten to her. Sophia was wearing Sara's favourite sleeping shirt, and only her panties. The tee was tight on the blonde but it was the only shirt that Sara had to offer her. She didn't even have shorts or another pair of pajamas. But Sara was enjoying the warmth Sophia's bare legs provided her. They'd agreed to go buy Sophia some essentials in the morning. They had also agreed to talk.

"Are you comfortable?" Sara suddenly felt their distance as inappropriate. But she couldn't pull back. She didn't want to.

"Of course."

"Do you still want to talk?"

"Yes Sara. That's what I am here for."

"I know."

"Should I turn on the lights?" Sara's stomach jumped at the thought.

"No don't move. I have never been this comfy in a stranger bed."

"So, is there anything specific you want to talk about?"

"Are you nervous, Sophia?"

"A little. I want to help. What if I don't have anything to say?"

"You're already helping me. I was thinking. When tomorrow night comes along it will be the first time I spend two nights in a row with someone in almost three years." Sara didn't know where this confession came from.

"Two nights?" Sophia never imagined Sara for the type of person to have one-night stands. Actually Sophia never imagined that there were any flaws in Sara Sidle.

"Yeah, I went through a phase. Well, it was two guys. I started drinking and that phase lasted longer then my one nighters…" The last person she'd been in a relationship with was Hank. Sara recalled the time that Grissom's mentor asked her about that relationship in front of Gris. She wished she had been better at denying it, she wished she could take it back. It was that thought exactly that got her so angry when she found out the truth about Hank. Grissom thought she was moving on. When she never could. She thought about Grissom for a second longer and then decided to add to her confessions. As if admitting to having one night stands and having a bit of a drinking problem wasn't bad enough. "But there has been some with… um… Grissom."

"I know." Sophia made her voice stay steady.

"He told you?"

"Yes. The night you never showed up."

"Thanksgiving?" Sara spoke as if she was incriminating the blonde.

"Yes."

"The night after."

"No I didn't see him then." Sophia should have told Sara about how she had seen him every other night, but she didn't want to argue.

"No, I mean I was with him the night after."

"Oh." This is what Sara meant when she said _there had been some with Grissom._ Sophia still tired to remain calm, but Sara was slowly moving away from her arms.

"It wasn't sexual. It was intimate… I actually thought he was finally going to, I don't know, finally be with me. In the morning it was natural. I felt like we'd been together for years. And then Ecklie drops this bomb and then you're returning Grissom's underwear."

"I slept with him." Sophia's voice stayed very calm and in her thoughts she hated herself for bring it up. There were other ways for her to handle this.

"Why?" Sara pushed herself completely away from Sophia.

"I dunno. We were drunk. We were waiting for you. We were talking about you. I never talked about you with anyone. It made me comfortable. I said I always think about you and he said he did too. Then, we just wanted to think about something else." Sophia noticed that her words meant that she had feelings for the blonde. She decided to be brave and pull in closer to Sara. Her hand touched the brunette's cheek and it was warm and wet.

"Ouch."

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You didn't, Grissom did." _Ouch._ This made Sophia hurt. Not that she ever wanted to hurt Sara, but if she there was any chance of Sara returning her affections then it should have of hurt her.

"Oh, did you understand what I just said?" The blonde's only hope was that Sara hadn't noticed that she just confessed her biggest secret.

"Yes. Maybe we should turn the lights on now."

"You're not comfortable anymore."

"No. I'm not."

Thanks for reading so far. Please Review. Constructive criticism is welcome and encouraged. No flames though. More is to come! Hopefully soon.


	10. Chapter 10: November

**Disclaimer – I own nothing but a very old laptop and a few ideas. **

**Sorry it has taken me so long to update but I'm sure I'll be working faster now.**

Grissom's flight was not until noon. He would have made it earlier but he needed to be fully prepared. He backed his bags for a long stay. I long stay with Sara Sidle.

He also used the time to figure out what exactly he should do upon seeing his love. The first option and almost his favourite but oddly his least was to just kiss her. He wanted to feel that kiss again. He could imagine dieing right after their lips parted and dieing happy.

He would have to die at that moment to remain happy for Sara would not react well to that approach. She was in pain and his kiss would only his sooth pains. Sara would want a hug, and hug would mean love much more than a lusty kiss.

So he would hug her. And then what?

Gil had packed his bags, slept, driven to the airport, and checked his bags but still he only knew he would hug her. He had a lot to think about as he got closer and closer to the moment when he would hold Sara and then do something great.

---

Sophia could see the wall clock from the position she was on the bed. She was facing the wall with her back turned toward the woman she absolutely adored. Her back only an inch from Sara yet it felt like a grand distance.

The wall clock read eleven thirty four. There was no way Sara had slept so much. She had to be awake Sophia thought. But she dared not move. She had no idea how awkward this morning would be.

Since Sophia had nothing else to do she thought about thanksgiving and the morning after. She had lay in this same position that morning. Her back turned from the person who only hours ago so much enjoyed the way she held them. On thanksgiving she had gotten frustrated with laying in thought. She arose and acted as if the past would never affect the way she carried herself.

She couldn't do that now. Everything Sara did affected her. She could hardly pretend that Sara did not affect her in the lab. She'd seen Catherine look at her and observe the way she starred at the brunette. She'd cried in the locker room once after receiving a cold hit from Sara. She'd been affected every single day she saw that beautiful woman, and now that she had somewhat admitted it, she was not going to pretend. But she wasn't going to move either.

Sara in the same position as Sophia was in – in thoughts – of Gil Grissom. She thought about her drunken night. She did not clearly remember the bar or how they got home. But inside the apartment she could see clearly. Him in her body, him holding her, him coming inside her, and him so happy when she told him she loved him. His smile was so big that Sara had to kiss it. She wondered what his reply would have been if she had not wanted his lips so much.

The morning after she awoke before he did. She'd felt happy for only a second, for it became clear to her that she had not made love with Grissom. She had not even had sex with him. They fucked. His clothes were still on, hers not. Both of them had been wasted. She'd screamed she loved him as she climaxed, in no way should that have counted. She had always pictured telling him she loved him while holding his hand and not in a frenzy of sex and liquor. She had imagined him actually saying he loved her and saying it first and it being her that replied and while holding his hand and not as they fucked.

She had cried for a slow but short moment in his arms and then she pulled away from him. She had cursed herself for ruining things and cursed herself for falling so easily in bed with him. She felt like a slut again. The slut who got drunk and stripped her clothes for men with small qualities Grissom possessed. She'd done the same for Grissom that night. She had been the one to undress, and ask him to join her in bed, and scream she loved him. It has not only that she had bedded Grissom that pissed her off. She had also forgiven him for choosing Nick over her. When he had refused to promote her, she promoted him to lover.

That morning with much anger she turned her back towards Grissom. And quickly found rest way from that mans arms. She knew she would probably forgive him for the night. And she would forgive herself for her actions. But she would not wake before he did – it was his turn to act.

This had worked for her that morning. Grissom was the first to move and quick to excuse himself. He left within five minutes of waking. However this morning Sophia was not getting up. She was breathing as if she was awake, but she was not moving.

For some reason Sara smiled at the thought of Sophia laying on her side acting naturally stubborn. Her bold eyes probably wide yet not alert. Her hands clapped together and holding her head like a pillow. That is how Sara pictured the blonde laying wake staring at the wall. Sara ran this image in her eyes over and over knowing where she had gotten such a beautiful picture.

The night before Sophia lay so calmly in the same peaceful position but instead she looked at Sara. Her bold eyes were wide like Sara pictured but they did not stare dull. They looked upon Sara like no eyes had ever watched her.

Sara stirred her position by moving onto her back. Her shoulder came in contact with Sophia. A shiver ran down the blondes back and Sara felt it.

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	11. Chapter 11: November

**Disclaimer: I claim no one who is owned by CBS**

Sara told Sophia that she had not expected to sleep in so late and excused herself from joining the blonde. She had to get ready for a lunch meeting and could not go shopping with Sophia.

Sophia wondered if the meeting was going to be between Sara and her conscience or if Sara was not lying and did need go soon. Sara said it was at one thirty and it would probably go late. She also asked if she could use the shower first.

Sophia of course said yes and reminded Sara that she had taken a shower just before bed.

That little exchange was all they spoke of when they finally got up.

Sophia knew the brunette offered her anything in her suitcase to wear. She had been shy to search through the bag last night while Sara watched. Therefore Sophia took Sara's absence as an opportunity and took her time looking through the brunette's things.

She had not packed much, which did not surprise Sophia. Sara was too simple to pick out a whole trip worth of clothes. She had casual wear, jeans, and a sweater. Dress pants and fancier shirts. A suit that Sophia recognized and knew Sara would wear for the trail. Sophia came upon a pair of dress pants that always looked so elegant on Sara. They made her look lean and gave her backside a wonderful shape. The brunette wore the pants quite often and Sophia always noticed. She wore it often with a burgundy shirt Sophia recalled. Again she was not surprised to see that same shirt neatly folded behind those exact pants. The blonde chose this as her outfit for today.

The blonde kept looking through the bag with great memories of the things Sara wore and the lovely way she moved in them. Sophia was ready to stop looking when she found the pile of lace under garments but past most of the clothes and in a small knot Sophia found an object with a soft silky texture and decided it would be the last thing she looked at. Sophia pulled at the deep blue fabric until it came loose of the suitcase.

It was a dress. Sophia held it up in front of her to get a good look at the shape and to perhaps picture Sara standing in front of her with it on. It's tone and style suited very well the month of November. Which made Sophia believe it was new dress. It was quite conservative the only things it would show off were her long legs.

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Sara laughed to see Sophia react so nervously when she was caught handling Sara's new dress.

Sophia recovered quickly though. She found it easier to stare at the dress rather than the woman before her. The brunette was wrapped in her towel, her wet hair was dripping down her shoulders and arms and back, and she was laughing so sweetly.

Sara moved towards the guilty blonde and stared down at the dress with her. The moment was silent but only awkward for Sophia. Sara was still slightly laughing and smiling greatly at the blonde.

"Do you mind? I need to get dressed." Sara finally spoke and Sophia quite quickly grabbed the clothes she had set aside and ran into the bathroom.

Sophia's chest was bigger than Sara's. The shirt would give people quite a show. Sara was also a good two inches taller than Sophia. The pants were too long and Sophia had to adjust by making a cuff. But they did good things to the length of her body. She looked pretty Sophia thought of herself as she walked out of the bathroom to find a much greater beauty.

Sara was sitting on the bed leaning into her self in order to put on a pair of heels. She was struggling with the straps. Sophia wanted to help her but she could not move. She was stunned and it made her feel ill and happy and hot and depressed. Sara heard a gasp and looked up. The position gave Sophia a good look at her chest. Sara did not notice the stare just like Sophia did not notice the way Sara was looking at her.

Sophia's mind finally prompted her to move. She came closer to the woman in the blue dress and knelt in front of her. Want she desperately wanted to do was kiss her, and tell her she would always love her, but what she did was take her foot in her hand and slowly do up the straps of her loves heels.

If Sara had taken a moment to look down at Sophia's hands she would have noticed the slight shake. However Sara was not looking at that. She was mostly feeling. Sophia was lightly holding her ankle in one hand, her thumb brushing Sara's skin up and down. As much as that sensation soothed her, Sara was not looking at that. What her eyes fixed on was not the shaking or the touch but Sophia's wonderful hair fallen over her face and on the bare skin of Sara's legs. Through that hair Sara could see Sophia's flushed cheeks and her bottom lip tucked under her teeth.

Sara was arguing with herself to either move Sophia's beautiful hair so that she could fully stare at those lips or to keep the small sensation of hair swaying slightly on her inner leg.

Sara killed those thoughts when she heard herself breathe heavily. She looked away from the blondes face and hair, and down to her hands. They had calmed and finish their task, but still held up her foot. Sara only looked for a second, her eyes became distracted by the sudden absence of the small warmth Sophia's hair added just my resting on her skin.

Sophia was looking up at the brunette. Her eyes speaking entirely different things than her words suddenly said.

"I'm going to check into another room after I am finished shopping."

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